Choosing an elder care facility or retirement home for an ailing loved one can be a decision fraught with confusion and torment.
Family members may feel guilty for not being able to meet the needs of their relative, whose declining physical or mental health may require more than they can provide at home. For example, a 24-hour presence may be required to make sure a parent with dementia doesn’t wander away or hurt themselves in the kitchen. Or, a loved one with a physical difficulty might need regular help moving, using the bathroom, or rising from falls.
Work and childcare responsibilities can be barriers to homecare for many families, but, at some point, even a family with a strong network of helpers might be unable to be both constantly present and physically and emotionally capable of handling the challenges of their loved one’s ailments. Caregivers may injure themselves or even their loved ones by trying to take on too much.
Yet, the idea of “putting someone in a home” has negative connotations that can cause families to delay looking into options. It doesn’t have to be that way. A home for an ailing loved one can be a gift for everyone, providing social and healthcare benefits for the ill or aging family member along with safety and comfort that can extend to the whole family.
One friend, David, said that “some of the happiest years” of his mother’s life were spent at her retirement home, while another said that her father’s home has been a wonderful place for him to live.
“They keep my dad safe and happy, and are transparent and super responsive,” she said. “Honestly, they just make the whole facility feel like a summer camp every day and that he is one of their favorite campers.”
So, if you’re beginning to investigate possibilities for your loved one, what should you consider? How can you find a good match for your loved one?
1) Get Some Help
There are specialists who work with families to find a good fit, and the best ones take time to get to know your loved one and make sure that the facility is a place that would fill their needs, from level of care to personal fit. A great place for one person might be a poor choice for another. For example, some might need round-the-clock care, while others might feel overwhelmed by too many people with intensive health issues. One might prefer a home-like environment, while another might feel most comfortable in a modern facility. Economics will also dictate the possibilities. Make sure to look for an elder care specialist who is highly recommended. Take your time. There’s no need to rush this decision, and there can be dangers to moving too fast.
2) Consider Location
A friend, Anne, with a mother who has mild, but progressing dementia, said that they leapt too quickly and chose a home with a location that ended up being a negative. The room her mother chose is adjacent to the spot where residents with more severe issues line up for dinner, which makes her 89-year-old mother “feel old.” The facility’s remote location with steep hillsides means that there are no places to walk close by, so the active woman could no longer stroll into town to visit the grocery store or a pharmacy. She suddenly became scared to drive and reduced the intensity of her exercise to match the other residents. While she enjoys regular meals with new friends and her family is comforted to know that she has help if she falls, she seems to “feel like a shut-in,” and that awareness has “aged her.” Anne recommends trying to find a facility that 1) offers a similar physical environment to where your loved one already lives, so that they can continue to enjoy golfing or walking, etc. and 2) has a community of residents who have a similar level of activity and mental/physical adeptness, so that they feel at home.
3) Consider Personality
A secondary problem for Anne’s mother is that she is a quiet person who loves to cook and read. She’s uncomfortable jumping into many of the activities offered at her home, such as singing in the glee club, and cooking no longer feels safe to her. She didn’t have pre-existing hobbies, such as knitting, that could be done in a group setting, and the dementia makes it hard to develop them. For outgoing people, her new home is like a cruise ship with fun field trips, but she has had a difficult time joining in. To address these issues, Anne wishes that they had worked on developing a hobby for her mother earlier, so that she could have easily slipped into an ongoing club. In retrospect, she also would have searched for a place much sooner, ideally with a friend of her mother’s who might also have enjoyed making a home there too. That way, her mother would have been comfortable and happy first, instead of struggling to feel at home while she’s also struggling with her mental acuity. Anne suggests carefully assessing your relative’s personality to make sure that they will still be able to enjoy being themselves in their new retirement home.
4) Ask About Problems
Even if you do extensive research and find a great match, it won’t be perfect. Nothing ever is. So, before signing any contracts, ask how problems will be handled. How does communication with families work? What happens if you realize that your relative would be happier elsewhere? Is there a mailing list that provides updates about the facility? How does the facility learn about residents and their needs and nuances? What is the management hierarchy, specifically in terms of who you need to speak to about problems ranging from dining to mental health challenges? It’s helpful to know all of these answers before a problem arises.
Trust yourself. Talk to your loved one. Make sure everyone is on board with the decision. Then go for it. You and your loved one may find that a retirement home or elder care facility is the perfect addition to your lives.
Thank you for reading, please share with a friend, and be well! —KK
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